imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
