I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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