tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
