i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
