Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
