So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
