that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize