My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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