I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
