I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
