umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
