fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
