Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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