He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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