He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just high enough for therapy.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
