the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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