i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
