he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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