We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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