I smell stomach acid.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
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