I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
