i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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