So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
