Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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