I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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