I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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