is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
