it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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