my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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