DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
