getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
