No stitches, just platelets and will power
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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