I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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