We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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