Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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