the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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