I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
