Will you blow on my dice?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
