3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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