i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
