those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
