my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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