She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
