You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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