to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
