In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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