well I can't set my house on fire every night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
