Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
