**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
