he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
