note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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