Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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