i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
