We won't sleep together?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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