What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
either way he was missing a nipple.
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So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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