One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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