I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
