Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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