oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
