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We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He has the fingertips of a God
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