she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
