I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
