he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
